Faith

lifework

Am I a fraud?-Journal entry from early June

Who am I? What am I doing to build my business? Have I wrapped my head around how I am going to manage my taxes or pay for insurance? -Journal entry from July

Am I holding on to a hopeless fantasy? Is my refusal to go back to an office environment strength or stubbornness?-Journal entry from April

Having a full-time job even one you despise with a steady income and benefits provides validation to yourself and others. Everyone can relax. You are secure and responsible.   

As I write this I am being burnt by a client who has gone missing the day before a two-week boarding session was supposed to start. Greta, the dog I am currently boarding, threw up on me this morning. And I was supposed to get this blog published three days ago.

Welcome to the gig economy! Your income won’t be steady but the waves of self-doubt will be.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” -Hebrews 11: 1.

If I can’t see my strength does it actually exist? 

Here is another set of questions and conversations with myself.

What if it is possible to make this life work? What if I could have a career on my own terms rather than someone else’s? -Journal entry from late June

Is it worth it to discover who I am on the other side of all this tension and stress? Am I capable of flexibility and patience?-Journal entry from this past Tuesday

There is a pride that comes from self-sufficiency.  Scrappiness makes your feet bounce when you’re going from one gig to another. – Journal entry from May

I spent this morning with Taz, the Boston Terrier. We sat together. I read. He chewed. His mother gave me another 5-star review and a bottle of wine. I have the dogs and I have a lot. -Journal entry from June

This made not be my lifelong vocation. But maybe I can look back at this period and say that this is was when my wishes finally started to breathe.-Journal entry from July

Who is this person who can build a life around what she loves? I know she wasn’t present before. Once I started this petwork/gigwork/lifework she emerged from the dark and said: “Now, at last, you can see me.” Her presence while momentary expanded me.

This is not to say that I am a believer in magical thinking.

The insurance package I bought for myself has a huge deductible. I thought I was going to make up for lost October revenue in November but that might not be possible.

But it is important to appreciate moments when faith shines through of all that doubt, shame and fear. Potential now exists in what is unseen, undone and unrealized.