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This afternoon Bean rested on my chest. My nose kept grazing against his huge ears. He was rescued 5 months ago from a shelter. He is now in a peaceful living room, not a cage.  Instead of closing a magazine or being in a hospital bed I am dozing off with this gentle creature on top of me. This is as much his recovery as it is mine. Of course, I want instantaneous and lifelong results from this therapy session. Bean isn’t that greedy.-Journal entry from July.

Dogs are excellent company.

I talk to them. “What is it?” I ask when they stare up at me. Little Sophie, the Dachshund , always brightens up whenever she hears me say “cuddles” at a high pitch. Before preparing dinner  I ask “who’s the chef’s helper?” They run into the kitchen with me, eager to catch any bits of food that fall on the floor

“Is it time for me to stop work?” This question is in response to their leaving a toy at my feet or pawing my arm.

When I’m sad or frustrated I hold them.

I read out loud to them at night.

They help me weigh my options when I’m trying to make a decision. “I don’t know what you’re saying but I’ll stay with you as you ponder this.” River, the cockapoo, says this with her big, dark eyes.

I associate TV shows and movies with these creatures.

Zozo, the erratic Chihuahua, loves nothing more than streaming the adventures of Hap and Leonard on Netflix. I can’t watch Meet Me in St. Louis without thinking about Simon, the Cavalier King settling his soft body next to mine on the couch.

I have no problem with dogs on my bed, my couch and even my toilet.

What will I do without them? I ask myself this before every dog leaves. I bond with these animals. I create rituals around my routine and theirs. They become mine and when the moment comes to give them back I have to face the sad reality that they belong to someone else. The routines I’ve come to count on are temporary.

But there is an excellent chance that this dog will return. And another dog will usually arrive within days if not hours of this dog’s departure. It’s also important to remember that this gentle creature is going back to a loving family, not a shelter.

Giving them back used to be absolute agony. I spent an entire January afternoon sobbing with Chaucer, a Corgi/Dachshund mix, on my lap. My baby Chaucer. His mother needed me to keep him longer and I couldn’t because of a scheduling conflict. Chaucer’s anticipated departure coincided with the death of a dear friend and neighbor.  My loved ones questioned whether or not I had the emotional stamina to manage this petwork.

For me, separation has always shared the same psychological space with abandonment. Part of my lifework is dismantling these unhelpful partnerships. In spite of very strong glue is I am slowly breaking apart the link between separation and severance.

I will never be indifferent to it when a dog leaves. They just mean too much to me. But being able to recover quickly from a departure is a critical component to my petwork and lifework.

I walked Sophie in the park this morning. It was another sleepless night last night which meant that everything is delayed. My to-do list only has one item crossed off and it is almost 3 in the afternoon. But Sophie and I were determined to have our walk. We made a loop from 96th to 86th street. Sometimes we were in the shade, sometimes in the sun. Up a hill, down a hill. It felt good to finally be out in shorts and sandals. -Journal entry from mid-June.

For the last year, I’ve worked for “A Place Rover.” How is a rover defined?

Someone who spends their time wandering aimlessly.  

This is the most common definition.

A client recently apologized to me on behalf of her dog, Ozzie. “She takes a long time on her walks,” I assured her that this didn’t bother me.  While it can look like they’re dawdling the dogs are actually making sense of their world by smelling, listening and looking at everything. This is why Rover is a great name for a dog.

Don’t get me wrong I  value order. I write a to-do list every day and follow a weekly priority sheet.  My patience with my dogs does not extend itself to endless checkout lines and stalled subway cars.  Writing this I am not happy with myself for having seriously mismanaged my time today.

But it was only by adopting a casual and leisurely pace that a picture finally emerged of what I really wanted for myself.  If my pace over the last year been more purposeful and strident would I be writing now? What if I rejected the idea of making a living as a pet sitter because it was too romantic?

A player not restricted to a particular position on the field.

I see myself in this player. This petwork/gigwork/lifework vocation came about because I refused to play a series of positions; mid-level media manager, office martyr, put-upon girlfriend, and strained commuter. I would play but not the way everyone expected me to.

A vehicle for driving over rough terrain, especially one driven by remote control over extraterrestrial terrain.  

As a freelancer, you’re driving yourself through a landscape with a few spectacular vistas and many muddy bogs.  Brace yourself because direction will only reveal itself in pieces, very slowly.

For all its playful connotations being a Rover is a tall order. You’re a player with a strategic and expansive vision of the entire field, not just a set position. You’re a vehicle secure and fortified enough to manage hazardous terrain. You must believe in things only realized in glimmers on wanderings. Then you’re charged with aligning all those precious fragments into a sustainable life.

All Rover definitions are courtesy of Oxford Living Dictionaries.

lifework

Am I a fraud?-Journal entry from early June

Who am I? What am I doing to build my business? Have I wrapped my head around how I am going to manage my taxes or pay for insurance? -Journal entry from July

Am I holding on to a hopeless fantasy? Is my refusal to go back to an office environment strength or stubbornness?-Journal entry from April

Having a full-time job even one you despise with a steady income and benefits provides validation to yourself and others. Everyone can relax. You are secure and responsible.   

As I write this I am being burnt by a client who has gone missing the day before a two-week boarding session was supposed to start. Greta, the dog I am currently boarding, threw up on me this morning. And I was supposed to get this blog published three days ago.

Welcome to the gig economy! Your income won’t be steady but the waves of self-doubt will be.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” -Hebrews 11: 1.

If I can’t see my strength does it actually exist? 

Here is another set of questions and conversations with myself.

What if it is possible to make this life work? What if I could have a career on my own terms rather than someone else’s? -Journal entry from late June

Is it worth it to discover who I am on the other side of all this tension and stress? Am I capable of flexibility and patience?-Journal entry from this past Tuesday

There is a pride that comes from self-sufficiency.  Scrappiness makes your feet bounce when you’re going from one gig to another. – Journal entry from May

I spent this morning with Taz, the Boston Terrier. We sat together. I read. He chewed. His mother gave me another 5-star review and a bottle of wine. I have the dogs and I have a lot. -Journal entry from June

This made not be my lifelong vocation. But maybe I can look back at this period and say that this is was when my wishes finally started to breathe.-Journal entry from July

Who is this person who can build a life around what she loves? I know she wasn’t present before. Once I started this petwork/gigwork/lifework she emerged from the dark and said: “Now, at last, you can see me.” Her presence while momentary expanded me.

This is not to say that I am a believer in magical thinking.

The insurance package I bought for myself has a huge deductible. I thought I was going to make up for lost October revenue in November but that might not be possible.

But it is important to appreciate moments when faith shines through of all that doubt, shame and fear. Potential now exists in what is unseen, undone and unrealized. 

Cookie is a very sweet dog. Cookie is a very sweet dog who is 11 months old and doesn’t know any better. If I keep repeating this everyone will forgive his shortcomings, right?- Journal entry from March

Remember the sheen of success I referred to in my last blog? Well, back in mid-March I was glowing. I had back-to-back boarding sessions and a string of interviews with potential clients. All my babies up to that point were loving, adorable companions.

Then Cookie, the beagle, the terror arrived, The barking and whining started the moment he was dropped off. He would not and could not sit still. My feet became his favorite chew toys.

Going to the park was pure mayhem. Every time he encountered another dog he lost his mind barking and jumping. He only wanted to play but his rambunctiousness was not  welcome to other dogs or their owners. I left him alone in my apartment for 5 minutes and he became hysterical. As soon as I opened the door  he bolted out. Luckily I was able to wrestle him to the ground in the lobby of my building. My groceries including milk were left all over the hallway.

I ran into my normally even-tempered neighbor on the way to the park. His greeting to me was “We have to talk about your carpeting situation.”  The glow was gone.

These pets may be cute but the reality of taking care of them isn’t. Here are some takeaways from Cookie’s visit.

The importance of impressions from a meet and greet

When Cookie’s owner brought him over for a meet and greet he would not stop barking. I told myself that this was because another dog was in the apartment and it was making Cookie nervous. Wrong! If a dog is hyper in the company of their owners they are going to be off the wall when they are dropped off.  Also if the owner cannot control the dog a sitter has even less chance of maintaining discipline.

Petwork goal: Say no to boarding a dog who is too rambunctious.

This will be a tough one. As soon as I feel like a dog or an owner needs me I tell myself that all the difficulties being presented at the meet and greet can be overcome.

The importance of insulation

Right after Cookie’s visit I bought carpeting for my hallway, living room and bedroom. I managed to find inexpensive flooring on Ebay and Amazon. I sent my neighbors a bottle of wine and a note saying that I was putting in carpeting.

It’s not just barking that can be grating to your neighbors the scratching of a dog’s claws along hardwood can also be an irritant.

Leaving the TV or music on while you are out might muffle the sounds of a dog jumping or barking.

A future petwork purchase will be a white noise machine to reduce doggie commotion.

While insulation reduces noise it is not a magic bullet to silence. Which brings us to the importance of…

Calmness

Calmness has always been a far-away place to me. When I started working with dogs I naively believed that my struggles with serenity were over. I slept better with them next to me. Playing with them I got to be silly, loving and relaxed.

During the visit with Cookie I was strained, tense and frustrated.

Calmness is as much a  requirement in this life as it was in my last one.

A few weeks ago I boarded a dog who was also on the high energy spectrum especially at night. To calm him and myself I turned my bedroom into a sanctuary. All the floors were padded not just with carpeting but with yoga mats and towels. The AC was turned on to muffle the sound. The bedroom door was closed sending the signal to the dog that this is not the time to wander around the apartment. The end result was everyone including my neighbors got over 8 hours of undisturbed sleep. A dog who normally would wake me up at 4 am didn’t budge till 10.

That slumber strategy was a direct result of the reading up I have been doing on the connection between inner serenity and dog training. I am going to update everyone on my progress in this field including interviews with dog training experts.

An old, vexing question also resurfaced during Cookie’s visit.  How do I manage it when I didn’t manage something well? A new question followed it. Can I live with my mistakes better in this life than I did in this last one? In my old life mistakes no matter how small locked me up. I want this life to be as expansive as possible. How do to this? Aside from calmness and carpeting this lifework will involve self-acceptance, the dismantling of dysfunction psychological partnerships and large gulps of courage.

As always I will keep everyone posted on my progress.

It’s  Sunday night and I don’t have a single booking till Friday. How has this happened? Where are my clients and my babies? No sweet creature will be with me as I write or pay bills. Daisy? Taz Chaucer? Where are you?

Dogs are a reassurance. They are security. Their presence is an indication that I am doing the right thing.

Six months ago, having a week with no bookings was not this shocking.  But after a very busy summer having a packed calendar became my norm.

The world of a freelancer is a lonely and volatile one. How could I forget this?

In mid-August, it looked like I was going to be booked every day in September till early October.  A new client wanted me to board his Boston Terrier starting in mid-September till the beginning of October. As I was penciling him in another client, we’ll call Yorkie guy, asked if I could board his dog for a week during that same time period. I told Yorkie guy I had a tentative booking for that period but if there was a cancellation I would reach out. A week later Boston Terrier guy cancels.  I reach out to Yorkie guy. He’s made other arrangements. Now there’s a hole in my calendar which I filled with two shorter boarding sessions. Boston Terrier guy reaches out again. Can I still sit with his Boston? Unfortunately no

Fortunately, there are resources to manage all this volatility and loneliness. Please remember I am not a master beaming with a sheen of success. In each of these areas, I have set goals for myself.

A Savings Account

Many years ago I set up an automatic transfer from savings to checking. It is still in place. In my old life, this savings account was the only was my comfort when the quarterly cuts came. In this life, it is my lifeline. But no resource is inexhaustible. And this account has many masters: insurance, taxes, credit card debt and unforeseen catastrophe.

Gig-work/life work goal: Live off of freelancing income and build savings back up.

A diverse set of clients and services

I have over 30 clients. Their professions range from ER doctors to yoga instructors. My services include walking, babysitting, and boarding. Within reason, I make myself available to my clients whenever they need me. This could mean a 6 am drop off or babysitting a chihuahua for the evening while his owners are at the opera. I respond to every inquiry, provide daily in some cases hourly updates and I respond to every review.

Pet-work goals:

• Attract more clients by setting up a network with other sitters in the area.  
• Take dog behavioral classes to enhance my sitter profile not to mention calming an occasional out of control Chihuahua.
• Obtain more walking clients.

An OUT-let

I’m sensing an alarming trend. I didn’t leave the apartment yesterday. And I only took the subway twice this week. Is this venture making my life smaller? -my journal entry from this past April.

That isolation is alarming.

Dogs are wonderful friends but there is only so much loneliness they can absorb. With that in mind, I allow myself the luxury of having drinks or dinner with friends once a week. If I’m too broke for that taking the dog out for a long walk can be just the expansive experience I need.

Lifework goals:

• Take exercise classes that range from high to low intensity including yoga and pilates.

Hopefully, this exercise will calm my nerves and increase my energy enough to get some of this stress out. And it will put me in the company of other human beings.

Multiple sources of income.

There is lots of gig-work to be done here. My main source of income is through pet sitting which covers only a fraction of my monthly expenses. And it will be a long time before I will make serious money through writing. I devote a portion of each day to completing surveys online which do not pay very much.

Gig-work goals:

• Develop a portfolio of writing samples to submit to editors.
• Take courses on teaching English as a second language online.
• Complete projects involving pet sitting services and animal shelters.

There is a lot of work to be done. But for all the volatility and loneliness there is also clarity, ownership and most importantly love in this life.

Please stay tuned to for updates on my progress in all of these areas.  In the meantime, I would like to hear from you about your resources and goals for managing a freelancing life.

BTW: I only had three days without bookings last week thanks to a last-minute babysitting gig.